My mom story is raw. My mess is my message. Journey with me as I recount the turbulent waters of unexpected pregnancy, navigating graduate school, and finding balance in my roles, revealing a transformation into authentic motherhood. It's a story filled with denial, anxiety, ambition, realizations, and eventual self-discovery.

Unexpected Turns

I was dating Jason for 10 months when I learned I was pregnant. At 25, uncertainty clouded my mind. My pregnancy test, taken the day after applying to graduate school and quitting my job, became a symbol of my compartmentalized life. Despite attending doctor’s appointments and taking vitamins, my emotional self was in denial.

Giving birth was a surreal experience. As I looked at my newborn daughter, emotions were mixed. "Hey, it’s nice to meet you. We will figure this out," I thought, acknowledging the responsibility yet not feeling the immediate bond. The first year blurred into memories of hyper-protective anxiety and emotional distance.

Balancing Act: Grad School and Motherhood

Starting graduate school marked my attempt to live unhindered. Full-time studies, internships, and long work hours post-graduation were my reality. I convinced myself that I could balance being a mother and a "career woman," yet my daughter thought otherwise.

My daughter’s behavioral changes served as my wake-up call. The arrival of COVID-19 escalated everything but also provided a clear perspective on the less than ideal dynamic between us. This was my turning point, the moment when the solution presented itself. Embracing presence, forgiveness, and connection, I chose to be a “messy mama,” opting for a summer of medical leave to redefine my role as a mother.

Embracing Change and Healing

This period brought forth another layer of personal healing and transformation. Play therapy for my daughter, professional intervention, and my own inner work all converged. My commitment to changing generational patterns became a priority. Now, as my daughter nears eight, our bond is stronger, and our connection deeper than ever imagined.

I’ve learned the importance of flexibility and self-compassion. My earlier choices did not ruin my daughter or our relationship. They were a chapter, a lesson, and a prompt for personal growth and change. The guilt and feeling of constant failure were burdens I chose to release.

The Assurance

Whatever path you choose, remember it's not set in stone. Change is always possible. Embrace the additional identity of motherhood and give it the space it deserves in your life. Understand the feelings of inadequacy are common but not a final verdict. You’re not ruining your kids. You’re evolving, and you can always make different choices to shake things up.

It's a journey of continuous growth, and I promise, you're not losing you. Your identity has only expanded to include another wonderful facet, one that deserves exploration and understanding.

Thank you for walking with me through my story. My journey from a state of mess to carrying a message of hope, resilience, and transformation fuels my passion to support others on a similar path. If my story resonates with you, and you find yourself in a similar whirlwind, know that I’m here to lend a listening ear and a helping hand. Get in touch; I'd love to hear your story and together, let’s navigate the beautiful chaos of motherhood.

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